So, for the past 5 or 6 months, I've been having these recurring dreams. I've NEVER been one to have recurring dreams. In fact, I usually do not remember much about dreams once I've woken up. But recently, my dreams have been vibrant, at least these dreams.
I just had one so it's still fresh and I can explain it.
Fast forward about 2 or 3 years. I am in graduate school, working on a project for a deadline but I'm late for class. For some reason, my roommates are 2 of my friends from Korea. So, I rush out of the house with only my jacket and run to class. Except, it's not my class. It's a strange, pseudo shack/nightclub. At the door, there's a big man with a rope. He tells me I have to go around the back way and I ask "Is my class back there?? I'm really late.." So mysteriously, I get around this building to an elevator. There are a bunch of other students waiting for the elevator,too so I ask them the same question. One girl remarks, "Good luck with your class. But where's your laptop?" OH CRAP!! I totally forgot my laptop. So I run outside and it's raining like crazy. I only have my green jacket but thankfully I have a hood. So I'm running down the street, I burst through my front door, run upstairs, and start gagging. The gum again! I am gagging and choking. I'm trying to pull this gum out of my mouth, but the more I pull at it, the more that comes out. I can't get RID of it! I start sweating in my sleep. I even start to spit on myself in my sleep because it FEELS like I'm actually gagging on this gum. There are handfuls of the sticky, clumpy stuff in the sink. My roommate walks up and looks at me. "What the hell is wrong with you??" But I can't speak.....and then I wake up.
It's the gum. That's been my recurring dream. At least once a week, I dream about gagging on gads and gads of gum. I finally decided to Google it because it freaks me out so much. I love the internet because of this reason, found on dreamloverinc.com:
For several years now, I have been receiving similar dreams from people all over the world. The dreams are almost exactly the same and involve the dreamers' inability to get rid of chewing gum. The more they attempt to remove it from their mouths the larger and more unmanageable it becomes. In the dream they become frustrated and panicky because the harder they try to pull, the larger the mass becomes in their mouths. This dream suggests that the dreamer may experience frustration in daily life due to a large scale or standing insolvable problem that leaves them feeling powerless. The dream represents an inability to digest or to process information or a dilemma. It also suggests that the dreamer is not able to express him or herself effectively and that repetitive and ineffective verbal expressions are typically used. Chewing gum in dreams may be a sign of childlike behaviors, vulnerability, powerlessness, and a need for nourishment."
Then I looked up something related:
Dreaming that you are having difficulty breathing and are in danger of dying as a result may carry important messages for the dreamer. This type of a dream experience is usually very frightening, and at times people are awakened from their dream due to the fear. This dream may have several different explanations and the catalysts may be forces from either within the individuals emotional and psychological makeup or circumstances on the outside of the individual. The suffocation is either do to internal forces or an external situation. The dreamer may experience great difficulties when it comes to free self expression. They may have difficulties in expressing their fear, anger, love, or any other powerful emotion and are literally choking on them in their dream. Choking in your dream suggests that you are having problems in communicating your thoughts, needs, and feelings. Additionally, smothering may imply that the dreamer can not accept certain situations in their life and is feeling suffocated by a current problem."
My dreams have literally been choking me. So what does it mean?? I guess it could be a number of things. I don't quite know yet. I started to think about my past job though. I started having these dreams around the middle of July. I left my old job in June. I often felt like I couldn't express myself. They'd ask my opinion and somehow my opinion was "wrong". I was always reaching for words when my boss would start yelling at me and asking me to explain something. I became a bumbling fool, reverting back to a child in a lot of ways because I would just stand there, looking at the floor. That's how I view the boss/assistant relationship. It's almost parental and not like a team in my opinion. They tell you to do something and you do it then you await their approval (Good job vs this is completely wrong). There were so many things I wanted to say, but of course those things never came out. And they probably never will because that's not how you build bridges. It's how you demolish them. Even in my exit interview, I apparently "said too much" according to one close mentor. I suggested that they should do more to build support systems for all incoming assistants, especially those of color. Why do I get in trouble for calling a spade a spade?? Anyway, that's one possible reason for my gummy dreams...
Another one is that, well, I feel like I'm only eloquent on paper sometimes. In person, I don't feel this connected. The words are not cohesive like this. A lot of times, the words just don't come when I need them to. When I sit down to write, it just flows. But when I sit up to speak, I almost feel mute. So perhaps, this is my dream telling me to work on my verbals a bit more. I don't know. But they sure are strange. And demanding. And scary. When the gum parts appear in my dreams, I always think the same thing: I'm gonna get it all out this time. And of course, I don't and I nearly die trying to.
I've been tormented recently by all the insanity in the world. It's not like the world has always been a civil place (think The Crusades, slavery - past and modern-day, World Wars I, II, and presently III in my opinion). But I feel voiceless. I don't have a "cause" to fight for yet. When will my cause come? I want to save AIDS orphans in Africa. I'd love to help save polar bears in Antarctica (my favorite animal). The rainforest! I want to fight for civil rights here in America, a country diseased with blatant mistreatment and racial blunders. Cancer and stem cell research? Maybe. Global warming is about to ruin civilization and that's a lovely headline to wake up to. Maybe I will trade in my baby for a hybrid car when I get back home? I dunno. That's certainly a start. I'll be doing my part in a small way. But I don't know what my cause is yet. I feel paralyzed by my options, which is probably nothing new. Choice is the cornerstone of democracy, but too many choices to choose from can lead to inaction, which is where I find myself at present moment.
Oh well. I guess I'll chew on it some more.... **C'mon you weren't getting out of this entry without a corny gum joke** <3 J