And its name is Joia! You know, we've reached a point, my friends, where I feel I can discuss this with you. Most bloggers might not but I am not most bloggers! This story, while not funny at the time, has become hilarious in hindsight!
You should know that few things strike fear in my heart like the notion of having to do #2 in front of people. I don't know where this phobia came from. But I have to be really comfortable and really ALONE to get the job done. I mean, I don't like anyone being within earshot and for those times when someone is, I usually have a radio or other bells and whistles handy to run interference. Some of my friends can go anytime, anyplace. I'm the kinda person who will hold out until I get home...even if that means waiting hours and hours. Or I will locate, via Batphone, the most remote, desolate, abandoned, isolated bathroom known to man and handle my business there.
Well, one thing more horrifying than going in front of complete strangers is going in front of a cute guy. Oh yes, people. This is the stuff movies are made of. So, I went out with Bryan last weekend for dinner. We just had Pizza Hut, but something told me that my love of sweet potatoes and barbeque chicken on pizza would come back to kick me in the intestines. And it did. Hard. As soon as we finished eating, I got that bubbling sensation. It is singlehandedly the most recognizable and terrifying feeling for a woman on a date. You want the date to be over immediately, make your graceful exit with some cliched excuse like, "Boy, it was fun but I've got a BIG presentation in the morning!!" and he wants to linger around. UGH!!! So, luckily, we were not too far from my apartment. The entire 20-minute train ride was misery. I'm sitting there clutching my legs and butt together so tightly that I pulled a muscle. And that, of course, only compounded my pain. The 15-minute bus ride only made it worse as I sat there with a smile plastered on my face so hard that I nearly cracked a molar. Trying to carry on a conversation when your entire body is in lockdown mode has proven quite difficult. Meanwhile, Bryan is yapping away, totally (and rightfully so) oblivious to the war raging within my very soul.
I'm doing too much. I'm trying to keep my stomach together and also think of a crafty way to make him wait downstairs while I run upstairs. But my brain is overloaded and it totally freezes. I can't even form a single thought and only one word seems to resonate, pounding in my head - BATHROOM!!!! Help....me....Lord....So upon realizing that my biggest fear is about to come true, I just say F**K IT!!! When ya gotta go, ya gotta go right?! So I dash into my apartment and switch on EVERYTHING that will make noise - TV, air conditioner, water, whatever. I would've turned on my washing machine if I'd had time. Bryan strolled in behind me, plopped down on the floor and started watching TV while I jetted to the bathroom. I won't get descriptive...we aaaaaallllllll know what goes down in there...but let's just say the Fourth of July came early!
So, 20 mins later (haha), I was completely mortified and not wanting to leave the bathroom. I just thought, "How in the hell can I face him?? I KNOW he's gonna have something to say..." I peeked my head outta the door, trying to gauge the situation and I heard laughter. I just knew he was laughing at me. But surprisingly, he was watching some program on TV. I had to resist the urge to do my knee-jerk comedy routine - "Gee, I guess I won't be back at Pizza Hut anytime soon!!" **wink wink nudge nudge** But if he didn't bring it up, neither would I. So, I tiptoed over to my computer, sneaking around in my own room and then he blurted out, "Hey! C'mere...watch this!! I love this show!" Ok.. *sigh of relief* so maybe I've escaped this humiliating experience unscathed?? Great!! Now if I can just keep him outta the bathroom for the rest of the time, I'll be smoooooooooth sailin'...
But naturally, because I'm Joia, he jumps up 3 minutes later and appears to be heading straight to the bathroom...OH NO!!!!! I try to distract him by offering him a drink...and cookies...and a noseplug.
"Um....uh...don't go in there!! It....smells...really...damn" my voice trailed off, my shoulders slumped. BATTLE LOST...my embarrassed-as-hell-o-meter just shot through the roof, the atmosphere, and out to Jupiter. It could not possibly get worse. I sat there, waiting for the inevitable smart remark quickly followed by a bolting outta the door, and screaming down the hallway...maybe even jumping from a window. Ok, it wasn't that bad. However, I was preparing myself anyway.
But the reaction never came. He didn't say a single word. He just went back to watching TV and cracking up. There could be a couple of reasons for this:
1) Maybe he didn't notice...doubtful but a gal can hope.
2) Cultural differences wouldn't allow him to say something rude to a foreigner...and for that, I'm thankful!
3) Maybe since he eats fermented cabbage 3 times a day, mine didn't seem so bad.
4) He thinks that it's just natural and not that big a deal...
Since I've decided to NEVER, EVER bring it up, I guess I won't know the real reason. Suffice to say that I'm eternally grateful for his silence. :) After all that, he just helped me get ready to go out. And we took silly pictures. Crisis averted.
This can only mean one thing - no more Pizza Hut for me for a very long time...and if I do eat it, I'll be sure to do it ALL ALONE. In my Batcave. My soundproof Batcave. :)