6/18/2008

Mortification Has A New Name...

And its name is Joia! You know, we've reached a point, my friends, where I feel I can discuss this with you. Most bloggers might not but I am not most bloggers! This story, while not funny at the time, has become hilarious in hindsight!

You should know that few things strike fear in my heart like the notion of having to do #2 in front of people. I don't know where this phobia came from. But I have to be really comfortable and really ALONE to get the job done. I mean, I don't like anyone being within earshot and for those times when someone is, I usually have a radio or other bells and whistles handy to run interference. Some of my friends can go anytime, anyplace. I'm the kinda person who will hold out until I get home...even if that means waiting hours and hours. Or I will locate, via Batphone, the most remote, desolate, abandoned, isolated bathroom known to man and handle my business there.

Well, one thing more horrifying than going in front of complete strangers is going in front of a cute guy. Oh yes, people. This is the stuff movies are made of. So, I went out with Bryan last weekend for dinner. We just had Pizza Hut, but something told me that my love of sweet potatoes and barbeque chicken on pizza would come back to kick me in the intestines. And it did. Hard. As soon as we finished eating, I got that bubbling sensation. It is singlehandedly the most recognizable and terrifying feeling for a woman on a date. You want the date to be over immediately, make your graceful exit with some cliched excuse like, "Boy, it was fun but I've got a BIG presentation in the morning!!" and he wants to linger around. UGH!!! So, luckily, we were not too far from my apartment. The entire 20-minute train ride was misery. I'm sitting there clutching my legs and butt together so tightly that I pulled a muscle. And that, of course, only compounded my pain. The 15-minute bus ride only made it worse as I sat there with a smile plastered on my face so hard that I nearly cracked a molar. Trying to carry on a conversation when your entire body is in lockdown mode has proven quite difficult. Meanwhile, Bryan is yapping away, totally (and rightfully so) oblivious to the war raging within my very soul.

I'm doing too much. I'm trying to keep my stomach together and also think of a crafty way to make him wait downstairs while I run upstairs. But my brain is overloaded and it totally freezes. I can't even form a single thought and only one word seems to resonate, pounding in my head - BATHROOM!!!! Help....me....Lord....So upon realizing that my biggest fear is about to come true, I just say F**K IT!!! When ya gotta go, ya gotta go right?! So I dash into my apartment and switch on EVERYTHING that will make noise - TV, air conditioner, water, whatever. I would've turned on my washing machine if I'd had time. Bryan strolled in behind me, plopped down on the floor and started watching TV while I jetted to the bathroom. I won't get descriptive...we aaaaaallllllll know what goes down in there...but let's just say the Fourth of July came early!

So, 20 mins later (haha), I was completely mortified and not wanting to leave the bathroom. I just thought, "How in the hell can I face him?? I KNOW he's gonna have something to say..." I peeked my head outta the door, trying to gauge the situation and I heard laughter. I just knew he was laughing at me. But surprisingly, he was watching some program on TV. I had to resist the urge to do my knee-jerk comedy routine - "Gee, I guess I won't be back at Pizza Hut anytime soon!!" **wink wink nudge nudge** But if he didn't bring it up, neither would I. So, I tiptoed over to my computer, sneaking around in my own room and then he blurted out, "Hey! C'mere...watch this!! I love this show!" Ok.. *sigh of relief* so maybe I've escaped this humiliating experience unscathed?? Great!! Now if I can just keep him outta the bathroom for the rest of the time, I'll be smoooooooooth sailin'...

But naturally, because I'm Joia, he jumps up 3 minutes later and appears to be heading straight to the bathroom...OH NO!!!!! I try to distract him by offering him a drink...and cookies...and a noseplug.

"Um....uh...don't go in there!! It....smells...really...damn" my voice trailed off, my shoulders slumped. BATTLE LOST...my embarrassed-as-hell-o-meter just shot through the roof, the atmosphere, and out to Jupiter. It could not possibly get worse. I sat there, waiting for the inevitable smart remark quickly followed by a bolting outta the door, and screaming down the hallway...maybe even jumping from a window. Ok, it wasn't that bad. However, I was preparing myself anyway.

But the reaction never came. He didn't say a single word. He just went back to watching TV and cracking up. There could be a couple of reasons for this:

1) Maybe he didn't notice...doubtful but a gal can hope.

2) Cultural differences wouldn't allow him to say something rude to a foreigner...and for that, I'm thankful!

3) Maybe since he eats fermented cabbage 3 times a day, mine didn't seem so bad.

4) He thinks that it's just natural and not that big a deal...

Since I've decided to NEVER, EVER bring it up, I guess I won't know the real reason. Suffice to say that I'm eternally grateful for his silence. :) After all that, he just helped me get ready to go out. And we took silly pictures. Crisis averted.

This can only mean one thing - no more Pizza Hut for me for a very long time...and if I do eat it, I'll be sure to do it ALL ALONE. In my Batcave. My soundproof Batcave. :)

Until then,

J


15 comments:

Timah said...

BWAHAHAHAHAAAA! You know I have to clown you for this one. However, I will do so the next time you're on IM. I think you've suffered enough in this post. Poor thing.

LadyWritesTheBlues said...

LMAO!!!!

Joia,Noooo!
I was literally crying reading this!

HILARIOUS!

*almost died @ noseplug part! My laughing woke the hubby up and he has to wake up in 3 hrs(oops-told him it was your fault, too!)

Ms. Jackson said...

Why in the hell would you eat sweet potato and bbq chicken pizza?!? And an even better question, why would you eat sweet potato and bbq chicken pizza in Korea?!? You were asking for it.

In the Tokyo airport the bathrooms not only have a bidet button, but they also have buttons to push to make sound effects like music, wind, and rain for situations like yours.

Ashley said...

Oh Joia. I signed up for a google account just so I could comment on your blog. I just couldn't take it anymore! Lol! Maybe one of these days I'll actually get around to having a blog.

Ok, that is hilarious! I have a hard time going to the bathroom in public too. Just another time when we're too overly worried about being embarrassed...and then we realize that we were kind of freaking out for nothing! :)

Kuri said...

LOL! I can't really say I have that same problem but I can see how it would be mortifying. Especially on a date. Sweet potato and bbq pizza...that sounds pretty good actually. Maybe only on a girls' night out though for safety.

Sunshine said...

You know, the guy I was dating had an emergency and had to "Use" the bathroom at my apt. I was totally disgusted! I could never "use" it at his place but he sure felt comfy enough to "use it" at my place. YUCK!
Oh to meet the one where I can "use it" and he doesn't care. Now thats love! LOL!

m said...

priceless! hilarious! that's a good blogger for you-willing to take one (share it all) for the team (ladies everywhere)!

t-HYPE said...

*doubled over at desk*
*muffling laughter*

My coworker probably thinks I'm crying...

Mariko said...

This was the best J!

HILARIOUS! I'm with you...I do have a problem going #2 just about any where and everywhere except my own damn house and even then it's still if I am on my own.

You locate bathrooms via cell phone?

Ms. Jackson said...

I think this has been your most popular blog let. Look at all the comments!!! Arent you glad you shared. I know I am lol.

gracer said...

I'm going to post a link of your blog tonight on mine because I think your Korean teaching/life blog is one I read and enjoy alot and often.

I seriously thought I was the only one that uses all her energy focused on their colon to make it home for a "shit-break"! HIGH-liarious!

ccch said...

I have a girlfriend who's scared shitless (hehehehehe pun intended) of dating as she farts a lot. I MEAN A LOT!. Hence the reason why it took her forever to break up with her ex. (he wasn't fazed by it).
Nonetheless, I've had a similar phobia, but living here in Europe has taught me to: "fart free whereever I might be.....". J/K, but the Europeans have a more natural response to nature that I'm learning to adhere to......

Andrea S. said...

This is my very first time reading your blog, I was linked via Black Girl In Prague, and I am mighty happy I did!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, this was hilarious!!! I don't have a hard time going in public, but I HATE it when someone comes in while I'm doing my thing. There is only one male on our floor @ work, and he is rarely there. So, I go in the men's room most of the time cause there's only one stall plus the urinal, hahahaha.

Joia said...

WOW!!! I feel so much love!!! THANKS YALL!!! :) LOL!! Shit...pun intended...was HILARIOUS!!

Torie Michelle said...

Just stumbled across your site and I have to say that that was, by far, the funniest blog entry I have ever read!

Gross @ sweet potatoes and BBQ on a pizza but...cute guy! lol

--TM: http://toriemichelle.com/words/