Things Fall Apart (or Together?)
A friend of mine has had this quote as her Gchat status for awhile now: "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." It really struck me, especially in the midst of some of the most important life changes ever. I graduate in a week, I start my new career two weeks later, and I'm moving to a new apartment in the city. I have no earthly clue where on Earth I will be in the next six months so this makes planning anything rather challenging. My now ex-boyfriend and I have been on this seesaw since January with him worrying constantly about our future, where I'm going, when I'm leaving and everything under the sun. Admittedly, it has been a period of great uncertainty and legitimate anxiety. Everyone who is important to me has been on pins and needles and he probably feels it even more because we spend a lot of time together. We took a break last month for five days so we could sort through some things. We missed each other terribly and realized we wanted to stay together. I felt relieved and somewhat more confident that we may survive some early Foreign Service turbulence.
But alas, it seems that things are falling apart again. Anxiety has crept back in. Doubt has pervaded, questioning the longevity and sustainability of this relationship. And I am tired. I am just tired and wondering whether I should really be fighting so hard for everything or whether I should just let things fall apart. At what point do you just stop fighting? I do not want to give up. That's just not me. But I also cannot handle the stress of having my emotions on edge every month like this. So, a large part of me feels that I've got to let this go and think more clearly about my future and what is best for me, without distractions. Am I thinking too idealistically by hoping that he could come along with me in the Foreign Service? It was never my intention to "drag" anyone with me. Since the beginning, I've only provided the tools so he can make his own decisions about it. It appears those decisions are manifesting in crushing doubt, prefaced by the "you're a great girl, but..." speech.
So anyway, it sucks for sure that in the midst of so many amazing things happening in my life, this is trying to overshadow it all. I always end up being okay when the smoke has cleared, but it just adds another unexpected layer of complexity to my life. As hard as it is to do, maybe I just have to let this go to be ready to accept what is really meant for me.
7 days til graduation. I'm hoping peace of mind will follow.